This week has been a challenge for me. In order to put myself out there, from the beginning of my blog until now, I've had to do a lot of learning, growing, trusting that with each new trick or tip I receive and each new client I got to work with, I would naturally and in time grow better at my craft. Sometimes I have so much to share, I have compromised zealous artistry in exchange for beautiful, perhaps simpler pictures so I could do more in a day. It was a conscious choice and in other situations I might have chosen differently. I'm sure other bloggers might have had their own path to walk.
I've never been the type of person to put myself up on a pedastal, to show the world look at me, how great am I, fantastically pumping myself up, even if inside I knew I was nothing to be shared on center stage. There are divas, and people who need that attention and I do understand. Some have even earned the kudos, and to their work, I tilt my head and give credit where it's been earned.
I've also not been the sort of person who puts myself down so that all my favorite inner circle of friends would say, "Oh no Caryn, you're not terrible. You're great at this." and pat me on the head or shoulder and stroke my ego. To me, that feels false and like one fishing for compliments. That too is not my style.
I've tried to be very realistic about my understanding of fashion, worked hard, done my home work, practiced, practiced, practiced (that's why I began blogging in the first place, to practice styling so I'd become a better model eventually). I knew when I was six months old, what I thought was fair expectation of myself, where I needed to work on things, and what I was getting a grasp of, and at a year, and at 18 months, and so forth. I knew when I finally graduated MVWMA, that was a major step. I learned that I liked life behind a camera, figuring out the style, playing barbie and putting together the puzzle of styles that incorporated a lot of designers the most. It's why I put more and more time into my blog.
Then last weekend, I had a company, one of my dream jobs, "When I get better at blogging, I'm going to work for them one day..." a company who'd hired me to blog about six months ago came to me and said they were reorganizing things, and part of that would mean letting some of their current bloggers go and others would be hired. I listened with respect. Ultimately, I've always known that blogging was not meant to be about Caryn, but about the very best for any given business at any given time. I understood this business and it's desire to work with others in this line of work, and I heard clearly what was lacking in my own work and why I no longer fit into the company overall goal and dynamic. Knowing all of this, and keeping it professional did not mean it didn't hurt me and my feelings deeply. I felt like I'd failed myself. I did ARRIVE. I did get hired by that company, and then I un-arrived, because I got in essence a pink slip. I hadn't really ever considered the possibility that we could get fired here. So it's really NOT about Caryn. I really have to professionally make it about the business, each business, each time I come in and share.
I'm going to have some great days, massively creative, artistic, and fun. I'm going to have a lot of medium days, where I'm doing my work, doing what I believe is expected of me, and working my tush off to blog as much as possible to show the world how fantastic this or that thing is. But... this week, I've had to pause and take a deep breath. This thing I love, and I really do love what I do, really could be taken away from me and I hadn't considered that. It's a risk now, to stay, and let someone else say "You're not good enough." That's hard for any of us to hear. You're cut from the team. You're... out.
I really don't need or want this note to be met with that type of reaction that I described a few paragraphs up, where I tell you I'm distressed, disappointed, depressed even, and need a little time to rebalance, and you tell me, as the great friends you are, all the positive little tidbits, and all the reasons you support me, and the great things I know some of you would write. You've supported me in this adventure, from the beginning. You've seen me cheer for the amazing moments. I just need you here too, when the sad moments pop up, and I suppose there are sad moments in ever facet of life. Even the principle dancer who's won 12 Tony awards eventually gets replaced. And I'm far from the principle.
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| A photo that might suit the MVW 2014 entry |
It gave me impetus to change in a direction I had wanted to go as December 2013 passed into memory and 2014 January loomed. I didn't make the change then but the idea was a seed that began to grow after this recent conversation with the one business owner. I withdrew from every business I worked with and changed the focus of my blog to events, sales platforms like Designer Showcase and Couturier's Docks, and find the exposure to multiple designers in this manner gives me new energy, new fuel to try new things, and new focus. I think it will in turn give me new balance, and one of my life's key words is balance. I'm not angry at the decision of the business, to drop me as a blogger, and go in other directions with other different styled bloggers. I didn't argue their decision or plead, Please please keep me. It's not my style and if we are living in a professional world, I would hope that doesn't happen in general in any place I work. I did get sad. The sadness will pass. I really really wanted to work for that business. And for a time, I did. Now, I don't know what will come next. There's a fear that crept in, a fear that somehow I'm going to lose other supporters, and grow backwards. I rarely let fear rule the day.
Today, as I begin July 12, I'm wearing a gorgeous gown from -AZUL-. It's one of those many designers whom I just loved from afar for a long time because I could not afford their designs, and I did not have the skill or time as a blogger in yet to earn their recognition. When AZUL did grant me the privilege of joining their blog team, I cried. The good things always will outweigh the sad moments. And wearing a bridal gown, in July, a hopeful romantic, I thought only of the warm and wonderful things a bride feels, the newness of life, the new things coming next, and it seemed to fit into that melancholy I'd been battling, and finally allowed me to chase away the blues. Yes, I lost an account, a sponsor I really wanted to work with and for, but I've been so blessed and worked with so many incredible people. Even if a few drops of sadness have to be included in this life and this job in this virtual universe, I wouldn't change a thing. The gown - Faith - reminds me of that fresh new life of a bride, and the name, Faith, reminds me that faith must accompany all things we attempt, faith in self, faith in a higher power, faith in friends. It's all part of what makes my world work. I'm glad you're a part of it, each of you. And if you decide tomorrow that I no longer fit your company's needs, I will respond professionally, I will be sad for a time, and then I will get on with this thing we call life, living it to the very best I know how at any given moment.
**(One new designer who continues to show up at many events is ZOZ and the nails created for the Candyland theme at The Month of Games is just one more set of nails they've done and they've become my new favorite rising star designer that I believe is going straight to the top!)
I'm grateful for each designer who made this style possible:
Featuring -AZUL- Bridal - Faith
Featuring from The Month of Games ZOZ Candy Lines Polish for SLink Hands
1. [[j'adore]]: Aqua
2. EMO-tions: Pola
3. Gaeline: Phantasmogoria
4. Face Paint 2014: Breezy 2
5. Kyxe Skins & Shapes: Lily Skin Tone (Hannah)
6. KMADD/Moda: Mesh Eyes
7. SLink: Elegant 1 Hands
